November, 19. It's been two years since that phone call with Joy.
You were in my dreams this week. Tuesday, I think. It was a happy one. I woke up with hazy details though, but I remember you were laughing. It was some sort of extended family gathering, a discussion was going on, and you were laughing an “I know right..” kind of laughter. I was so glad about this dream.
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The last time I had you in my dreams, earlier this year, was terrible. I was wailing in it. I literally woke up physically tired and sore, and very emotionally heavy. It wasn’t pleasant.
I remember thinking, “Mummy won’t like this”. Knowing you, the fact that a dream about you got me that way, would make you unhappy. Your practically lived your life crafting ease and comfort for your children.
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I seldom dream about you. Maybe it’s because I actively have you in my thoughts. I randomly experience things and have full conversations in my mind, with you.
When I face stressful situations, and I vocally soothe myself, it’s your voice in my head and your words that come out of my mouth, “Nne m be calm, everything will work itself out..” “It’s all good…our God is in control”.
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One of the mornings this week on my way to work, I got into a keke. There were two people in back already-a man and woman- and I joined them. The lady was in the middle. As the keke moved, she opened her purse and brought out three fifty naira notes and proceeds to straighten and arrange them. I was bemused. For her fare to be N150, it meant she was going quite a distance, as the average keke drop is N100. The need she felt to arrange her transport fare so early into the trip, gave me fond memories.
Mummy used to do that too.
She would start bringing out tfare as soon as we got into the keke and I would tease her, “Mummy ajekwa agaga before iwofusawa ego..”
She would say, “ehnn, I choo m ruo junction m’abia sakasiwa akpa m wo nchowa change 😏”
(-mummy would we even move before you start bringing out the transport fare…
-ehn, what you want is for me to start ransacking my bag when we get to the junction, in search of change) 😄
We always shared a light laughter afterwards. Overtime I would use my eyes to say it to her, and she would use her eyes to give a sarcastic reply and we would chuckle.
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It’s been two years of numerous emotions of grief, mummy. Anger, lethargy, apprehension, acceptance, gratitude, quiet sadness, faith, strength, warmth.
I am thriving and hopeful.
I welcomed a nephew last week, mummy. Your fifth grandchild. You would have been super ecstatic.
I thanked God on your behalf too. I imagined how you would have sang and praised.
My siblings and I are doing good. Daddy is well. And we miss you dearly.
In my thoughts, today and always, I love you mummy of life. Keep resting my personal angel.
♥️
Nne